80 - Life Rope
Sometimes life will tie a rope around your neck.
And you will have to run to keep from being choked.
You won't have time to worry about the small things.
You won't have time to think or over-think.
Every decision you make must be made quickly.
You are fueled by adrenaline.
This is survival mode.
But then sometimes life slows down.
The rope gets lifted from your neck.
You are left to walk at your own speed.
It’s all you wanted when you were trapped in survival mode.
But now you feel scared.
Because you know the rope could come back at any moment.
And now you have so much time to think about what he said.
Or what she didn’t say.
You get trapped in loops in your mind.
And you aren’t really sure who you are.
You find yourself missing the rush of being pushed through life.
So much so that you might create a little chaos.
But is that really the way you want to live?
Dancing through madness.
Begging for drama.
Crying alone because you can’t sit with it all.
What would happen if you stopped running from everything?
Sometimes I close my eyes and I imagine what the inside of my heart looks like.
It reminds me of when I went to Israel and visited the Western Wall.
The wall was made of cracks filled with little scrolls of paper,
holding the prayers of the world.
My heart feels too like it is made of cracks and holes.
And that in my attempts to find comfort I wrote little stories and I stuffed them into all the empty spaces. And those little stories became one big identity.
But my heart wants to heal. And it keeps pushing out my stories.
It keeps asking me to release them. To let them go. But this is my
identity and I’m not sure I know who I am without all that pain.
If I’m honest, I’m not sure what is happening within me right now.
But it feels kind of good. Kind of like discovering something new.
I believe life is a circle. And you will have moments of flying to the top. And you will have moments of falling to the bottom. And you will have moments of stillness on the sides. Those in-between moments we take for granted. And these moments can be hours, they can be days, months, or years. And I have been chillin at the bottom for quite some time now. But I know I will rise back up.
I have 1000 times before.
Leaving New York was one of the hardest choices I have ever had to make. And it has been a really messy few months. But I can tell you now I made the right choice. I feel so loved and supported, more than I have ever felt.
I feel blessed. I feel I have been given a gift.
I feel I have been given a second chance.
-sas