68-76 The Purple Ocean Collection
10 years old.
Summer.
“Wake up!”
My brother is my best friend.
We run through the burning sand.
He looks to me.“Ready?”
On the count of three?
“One... Two... THREE!!”
We dive into the cold water.
Everything is quiet for a moment.
We rise laughing.
Splashing. Laughing. Cold.
But never caring. I love my brother.
We go further.
“JUMP” he screams.
We jump the wave.
The waves are getting bigger.
I’m getting nervous.
But he is excited.
I want to be excited too.
We swim further.
“BE CAREFUL
THIS ONE IS A BIG ONE!”
The wave is coming towards me.
I panic. It’s too big. I will never make it. The panic is pulling me down. Or is it the undertow? I’m not sure. I try to jump but instead do something of a half jump. Too afraid to commit to going all the way. And the wave comes crashing down. My face crashes to the bottom. Water fills my nose. It burns the back of my throat. I push off the bottom and find my way to the surface. My eyes are still closed. I gasp for breath. I’m met with water not air. Another wave comes crashing down. The current is too strong. I can’t fight it. I’m getting flipped around in every direction. I have no idea which way is up or which way is down. Somehow I find my way back to the surface. Only to be pushed down again. I’m running out of air. I’m going to die. I know it. Something goes still. Within me or within the water. I will never know. I find my way to the surface. The waves have calmed slightly. I can’t stop coughing.
Zach grabs my arm.
“ARE YOU OKAY?
ARE YOU OKAY?
YOU SCARED ME.
I COULDN’T FIND YOU.
YOU SCARED ME SARA. ”
I scared my fearless brother.
I’m okay. I’m okay.
Somehow I survived.
“You were caught in a loop. You have to be careful. But it happens to everyone at some point.”
A loop. I was caught in a loop.
“Sara, listen to me. If you are afraid. Or feel you can’t make the jump over the wave. You can always swim under it.”
I can?
He dragged me back to the waves.
A big one was coming towards us.
He smiled at me. He repeated.
“Just remember if you are afraid you won’t make the jump over, then swim under. But also remember jumping over is the fun part!” He smirked at me as he took a flying leap over the biggest wave yet. And I quietly held my breath as I glided under it.
-sshiffy
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Mama, Mama: Artwork #69/1000
Mama, mama.
Please remind me.
Does anybody love me?
Please, please.
I have forgotten.
Yes, yes.
My love you are loved.
What would make you
ask such a thing?
There is a river,
a river within me.
Of my tears pushed down.
They will never see me cry.
But that doesn’t mean
I’m not breaking inside.
Oh mama, mama.
I’m breaking.
I’m drowning.
Help me. Please, please.
Help me.
Mama, mama.
Please remind me.
Does anybody love me?
Please, please.
I have forgotten.
I love you.
I love you beyond words.
Your father loves you.
Your sister, your brother, love you.
Your aunties love you.
Your cousins love you.
Your friends love you.
And Bella, Bella loves you.
Oh mama, mama.
None of my lovers love me.
They have all forgotten.
Tell me, would anyone even miss me?
I have lost my way again.
Believing lies. Again. Again.
I can’t find my way home.
Mama, mama.
Please remind me.
Does anybody love me?
Please, please.
I have forgotten.
I love you, my love.
I love you.
-sshiffy
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Walk Along The Water: Artwork #70/1000
I will walk along the water.
Walk along the water.
Walk until I feel better.
I have a secret.
Mama, mama.
I have a secret.
It’s bubbling to the surface.
I thought I could control it.
But it is controlling me.
I will walk along the water.
Walk along the water.
Walk until I feel better.
I relapsed.
Mama, mama.
I relapsed.
Five steps forward.
Ten steps back.
I relapsed.
I’m disgusted.
How could I come so far.
To fall so fast.
I will walk along the water.
Walk along the water.
Walk until I feel better.
But I don’t feel better.
I don’t feel better.
I don’t feel better.
I have a secret.
And it’s going to kill me.
It. Is. Killing. Me.
I will walk along the water.
Walk along the water.
Walk until I feel better.
-sshiffy
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Mermaid Transition: Artwork #71/1000
The water is calling my name.
I could jump right in.
It would be so easy.
It looks so inviting.
I’m closing my eyes.
If I don’t look at them.
They won’t be able to see me.
Because if they see me.
They might see the truth.
And they will never love me.
I am a burden.
I am a mistake.
I make them endlessly.
I never learn.
They are tired of my story.
It’s so embarrassing.
I don’t want to be
a burden anymore.
The water is calling my name.
What if I jumped right in?
My heart is so heavy.
It would be the perfect anchor.
It could be a peaceful transition.
To the mermaid
I always wanted to be.
A mermaid.
The water is calling my name.
I could jump right in.
It would be so easy.
So what is stopping me?
-sshiffy
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Glass Boxes: Artwork #72/1000
We live in glass boxes.
Deep in the ocean.
There is a crack in mine.
The water is coming in.
It is a slow drip at first.
Easy to ignore.
But it is building higher each day.
I’m running out of air.
Everyone is looking at me.
From their perfect glass boxes.
They are watching mine fill.
I’m screaming for help.
But they are just smiling at me.
I’m panicking.
I’m trapped.
A voice. She tells me to relax.
For once I listen.
If they press you against a wall,
turn to water.
And slip through their fingers.
I am swimming free.
But I still need air.
I’m knocking on your glass box.
Will you let me in?
My knuckles are bleeding.
They can’t see me.
I bounce from one to the next.
No one will let me in.
I’m alone.
I’m alone.
I’m alone.
There is a banging in my head.
Screaming and shouting.
Let me in.
The lights turn on.
I am the one in the box.
Shutting everyone out.
How did this happen?
Was I in this box the whole time?
I was confused. I was distorted
I was knocking on memories.
They are here for me in reality.
-sshiffy
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I'm Still Dancing: Artwork #73/1000
My light is going out.
My light is going out.
My light is going out.
But it isn’t out yet.
It isn’t out yet.
There is a flicker of hope.
I won’t give in just yet.
Not yet.
I’m still here.
And I’m still standing.
Not with much.
But I’m still here.
Please, please.
Remind me.
What is it that makes
life worth living?
I’m dancing around the edges.
But I’m still dancing.
Please, please.
Remind me.
I have forgotten.
But I want to remember.
I want more than anything.
I want to remember.
Please, please.
Remind me.
-sshiffy
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The Purple Ocean: Artwork #74/1000
I close my eyes.
My imagination has always been
a space of comfort.
The purple ocean surrounds me.
I am so thirsty.
How cruel,
to be thirsty
in the middle of the ocean,
surrounded by water
you can’t drink.
Should I take a sip?
Mama warned me,
never drink from the ocean.
What is it you want?
What is it I want?
The words feel foreign.
I’m not sure I know what I want.
I know what I don’t want.
I don’t want to feel this way.
I want to be free.
But I am angry.
Mama, I am angry.
I am angry that
my childhood was interrupted.
I am angry. I AM SO ANGRY.
But I am also grateful.
Is it possible to be both?
I am grateful mama.
But I am angry too.
Mama, mama.
I am angry at myself.
I am angry at MYSELF.
The truth, it is begging to come out.
I am alone with my secret.
I am alone
in the middle of the ocean.
I feel a hand on my back.
One by one.
They are swimming towards me.
Each in their own unique way.
One by one.
They hold on to me.
Tell her. TELL HER. Tell her.
Shame can survive only in secrecy.
My story.
I am not as strong
as you think me to be.
I am not as honest as you thought
I have been.
She listens.
She doesn’t leave me.
She leans in closer.
I feel another hand on my back.
I feel a hand in my hand.
I feel a kiss on my forehead.
They aren’t afraid of me.
They are seeing the real me.
And they still love me.
Somehow they still love me.
Mama, mama.
They love me.
The pain is lifting off my chest.
I feel lighter.
They are helping me
carry the weight.
I am not alone. I am not alone.
What makes life worth living?
It is love.
Love makes life worth living.
-sshiffy
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Resilience: Artwork #75/1000
Mama, mama.
My light is coming back.
Mama, mama.
My light is coming back.
Just like you said it would.
Just like you said it could.
I can feel my heart beat.
Again. Again.
They love me.
Mama, mama.
They love me.
I remember now.
I remember now.
I got caught in a loop.
Zach said I was caught in a loop.
But my light is coming back.
Just like you said it would.
You said to me,
“I raised you to be strong.
I love you more than words.
I love you, my love.
But you must be strong.
You must learn to fight this.
On your own. You must learn.
I can’t fight this battle for you.”
Mama, mama.
Thank you.
I have come too far
to give up now.
Thank you, thank you.
I see it now.
I couldn’t see it before.
I can see it now.
I AM RESILIENT.
-sshiffy
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Forgiveness: Artwork #76/1000
The water is so still.
I can see my reflection.
Have you ever looked
into you own eyes?
I want to look away.
Out of habit.
Look at me.
I look again.
I feel like I’m staring at a stranger.
She looks so scared.
“Will you forgive me?
Please, please.
I beg of you.
Will you forgive me?”
Forgiveness.
It goes hand in hand with trust.
“Will you forgive me?”
But you have hurt me so many times.
So. Many. Times.
You always say you will change.
But you never do.
“Will you forgive me?
Will you love me?
Even when I make mistakes?
Because I will make many more.
And I will never be perfect the way you want me to be.
Can you find it in
your heart to love me?
You love everyone else with your whole heart. You never hold back with them. Why must you hold back with me?”
“Please, please.
Will you love me?”
I look away.
I feel her shudder again.
She shudders when I ignore her.
Recognition. I understand.
Now I understand.
I look back at her.
I have been ignoring you,
haven’t I?
“Yes.”
That is why you do all of this?
It is to get my attention?
Because I haven’t been listening.
“Yes.”
It makes sense.
It finally makes sense.
If you are the entire ocean.
You create the waves.
And you create the stillness.
It’s a choice.
It’s always a choice.
Why have I chosen against myself?
I want to forgive you.
I want to trust you.
I want to listen to you.
I want to love you.
I’m not sure I know how.
But I promise I will try.
I promise I will never stop trying.
-sas